40 Pokémon I Hate

Every couple of years for a few months at a time, I get re-obsessed with Pokémon. We’re talking a full time zapper reversion to ten-year-old me, where I’ll dig out the games, get the anime on Netflix, and spend my spare time reading articles, listicles and trawling Bulbapedia. When I say ‘dig out the games’, I of course mean that I’ve played the original Kanto story many, many times.

My experience with later generations is lacking somewhat. I played Silver a bit back in the day, but the chasm of generations between then and now had slipped me by (probably during the ‘too cool for Pokémon’ teenage years…who was I kidding?). When Pokémon Sun & Moon were released, I dove straight back in, getting Moon and later, Shield.

My knowledge of Pokémon is directly related to this phenomenon — I can name the first generation Pokémon by scent alone, but this skill quickly trails off as more pocket monsters were released. It’s quite exciting that when I DO get on a mad Pokémon one, I have almost 900 little friends to be re-acquainted with.

I’ve recently been playing New Pokémon Snap, and my Pokémon phase has returned in full force (now where did I put my 3DS?). Snap is utilising the extensive back catalogue of different Pokémon, some I swear I’ve never seen before. After researching and reading up on all 898 critters, here are the 40 I really hate. Some of the entrants may surprise you — I actually don’t hate the one that’s an ice cream, the sandcastle, or the bunch of keys. Here we go…

Disclaimer: I absolutely love love love Pokémon. I played it as a ten-year-old and I’m still playing it as a 31-year-old. Pokémon means an awful lot to me, this list is just for fun.

Zubat

Go on YouTube and search for ‘Zubat cry’ and I guarantee you’ll have a physical reaction to it. This Pokémon harassed us poor kiddies relentlessly whenever we dared to step foot in a cave. Every 2 or 3 steps, the screen would flash, the battle music would start, and a Zubat would slide in to view. And back in the day you couldn’t whip your phone out for a walkthrough of Mt. Moon to get in and out as quickly as possible. You could throw a couple of repels around but I swear they never worked. While, yes it’s a bat and it lives in a cave and it’s kinda realistic, unfortunately for Zubat I will never be able to forgive it.

Hitmonchan

I have a problem with Pokémon that appear to be wearing human clothes, and Hitmonchan is one of the first gen I Pokémon that is guilty of this (Machoke and Machamp, I’m also looking at you). Where does it get its boxing gloves, shoes and tunic with stunning cinching belt? Though it can learn thunder, fire and ice punches making it a good all-rounder, the fact it cannot evolve in to anything made this Pokémon kinda boring to play with, and super easy to obtain after you’re handed it on a platter in that dojo. I always chose Hitmonlee cause it looked cooler, leaving Hitmonchan to spend all of eternity in that other Poké Ball gathering dust at the back of the room.

Politoed

It was super cool when the second generation Pokémon were released and some of them evolved from, or in to, the first generation Pokémon that we knew so well. Thus Politoed was born. Poliwhirl, a blue Pokémon with a spiral on its belly, could now either evolve in to Poliwrath, a mean-looking blue Pokémon with a spiral on its belly (wasn’t it cool how the spiral changed direction from Poliwag!) or in to this weird, weak-looking, green frog. Make it stronger, scarier, and bluer, and we’ll talk.

Dunsparce

I don’t have any experience with Dunsparce whatsoever, I just hate it. Its weird name doesn’t flow off the tongue. What else could we call it? Well I don’t know because I don’t understand what it’s supposed to be. I know, I know, what is Unown supposed to be? But I like that weird Pokémon like Unown own their weirdness. Dunsparce is trying to pull the Wooloo over my eyes by pretending to be an animal. It’s a normal type which always makes it that tiny bit worse, its wings are far too small (can it even fly?) and it doesn’t appear to have any legs. What CAN it do? On top of this, out of all the generations that came after, it has never had an evolution added. It can’t evolve from anything, it can’t evolve in to anything. Completely useless. Maybe generation IX will include an evolution. Bigger wings, bigger legs, fiercer face. Maybe it could become ice type and we could call it something like Dunspice. There we go, you can have that one for free.

Octillery

My main issue with Octillery is that evolves from Remoraid. Remoraid is a little grey-green fish; Octillery is a large red and yellow octopus. The only link is their names, in that they both contain parts of military-esque words (raid and artillery). Why would a fish turn in to an octopus? I suppose the same could be said for why Magikarp evolves in to Gyarados. I don’t know. I believe that evolution. I don’t believe this one! Perhaps a middle evolution with bits of both would’ve been better. Maybe even just make Octillery a different colour! In the anime, after Remoraid evolves, it catches sight of itself in a reflection and is so horrified it climbs inside a pot and puts a lid on. Poor bugger. Maybe I should cut it some slack.

Magby, Elekid & Smoochum

In generation II we got given the gift of these ‘baby Pokémon’; first stage evolutions of Pokémon we’ve already met (Jynx, Electabuzz and Magmar). I don’t particularly like their designs or their names, but I appreciate they’re adding a backstory to characters we know. We’ve already had the pay-off though, and I’m only ever going to have one of these Pokémon to evolve it in to something I’ve already seen before. I would’ve preferred if we met these little bbs in generation I to reduce the number of Pokémon that do not evolve from that generation. That being said, Electivire and Magmortar were added in later generations meaning Electabuzz and Magmar are now three-stage evolution Pokémon, which is only possible because of the addition of these babies. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for a Jynx evolution at some point.

Blaziken

Blaziken: cool name, terrible design. These fire chicken Pokémon are a great addition in generation III, and I love their names (Torchic and Combusken round out the trio). Blaziken could’ve looked so much cooler than it does. This Pokémon is treading in to very dangerous Digimon territory with its design; it looks more like it’s the product of a The Fly-style experiment gone wrong. It’s not chicken-like enough, and the fact it’s bipedal and wearing feathered flares makes it look a little too furry-esque.

Sableye

I think the main issue here is the name. I don’t know how to pronounce it. And if I don’t know how to pronounce it I find myself getting very cross. Is it Sable-eye? Sah-bly? Sah-blee? Sabilly? Who knows. The creepy dead-eyes design makes sense, as it is a ghost/dark type Pokémon so it is doing what it says on the tin, but I find it offensive to my living eyes. Haunter has eyes full of character and that’s adequately spooky! It doesn’t evolve from anything, but can now evolve in to Mega Sableye which is basically the same but holding a large gem.

Spinda

Like Sah-blee, Spinda has no discernible eyes and I’m of the belief that you should always be able to see an animal’s eyes (spiders? Ew! Snakes? Aww). It also suffers from the double whammy of rubbishness in that it’s a normal-type and doesn’t evolve in to or from anything else. As my friend once said about Skitty and Delcatty — what does it bring to the table?

Cradily

I REALLY hated Cradily until just the other day but I’m afraid it must remain on this list for historical reasons. I hated it mostly because I didn’t know what on earth it was supposed to be. Just look at it! Where are the eyes? What is it supposed to do with those little legs? If this was an ugliest Pokémon list this would be a hot contender for number one. I also didn’t understand that name. What is it some kinda crab? Seeing it scoot along the ocean floor in New Pokémon Snap got me wondering, and upon further research it turns out it’s based on a sea lily or ‘crinoid’! This makes a lot more sense and I have new found respect for it. I love you, Cradily!

Castform

Castform is very cute but look at those protruding orbs! A lovely pair of bosoms. I love that it changes form depending on the weather, and its other forms are really cool, but I just can’t unsee its little boobies.

Deoxys

IMO Deoxys is the first Pokémon that is a bit ‘out there’ in terms of what it’s supposed to be. They’ve gone with the DNA / alien angle in a similar fashion to Mewtwo, but at least Mewtwo was actually obtainable in the game. If you’re gonna make a Pokémon this funky, at least give me the opportunity to play with it, because maybe it would redeem itself through its fantastic fighting abilities. According to its ‘Dex entry, Deoxys was born after a space virus was hit with a laser beam. It makes me long for the days of a simple Caterpie.

Probopass

If I’d have written this list just after generation III was released, Nosepass would have definitely been on it. However, over the years I’ve grown to appreciate it for what it is — essentially an Easter Island head. Then what do they go and do? Stick a moustache on it and release this monstrosity. Who suggested this in the meeting? ‘Hey how about an evolution of that nose one we did but with a moustache?’. I suppose they painted themselves in to a corner with the nose theme. What else could they do but give it wide open eyes and an unruly moustache?

Sawk

I originally included both of them in this list but I’ve spared Throh as Sawk is much worse. Throh and Sawk are the Hitmonlee and Hitmonchan of generation V. They each both come wearing a lovely jidogi. What’s underneath them? Is it part of its skin? Who makes it? Where does it get it laundered? While the word ‘throw’ is obviously where Throh gets its moniker, I’ve never understood what ‘Sawk’ means. Please hold while I Google it. Oh! It’s based on ‘sock’, like a punch. Was that obvious or am I just stupid? Also, colouring it blue makes it look like it’s come straight from rehearsal for the martial arts section of the Blue Man Group’s Vegas spectacular.

Cubchoo

Cubchoo is a cute little ice bear, and it evolves in to something bigger and meaner, Beartic. I’m fully on board with this. But why oh why must Cubchoo’s nose be eternally running? I don’t mind the puppy dog eyes but blow your nose for goodness sake. From my in depth research, it looks like Cubchoo sucks up its mucus and uses it to power up its attacks. Gross.

Vullaby

I love bird Pokémon, they might be my favourites. I don’t care that a lot of them are very Pidgey-like, there’s always room for more bird Pokémon if you ask me. I’d rather have a bird than a mystical mythical space alien created through a space and time cosmic shift. Anyway I digress. I really love Mandibuzz, a Pokémon based on a vulture. Its pre-evolved form, not so much. I don’t like that the name is vulture + baby, and I ESPECIALLY don’t like its little shell nappy.

Tornadus, Thundurus and Landorus

Again, these are when Pokémon gets a bit too ‘out there’. All three of them look like Ariel’s dad from The Little Mermaid, and Thundurus’ tail (?) looks like a marital aid I once saw in a Soho shop window. I don’t fully understand what exactly they’re supposed to be, though they do have other ‘Formes’ which are a little cooler. Mind you, Thundurus still does have that tail.

Dedenne

What is it with these electric rodents? I suppose give the people what they want. Here’s a list of Pokémon that look like rodents and are electric type: Pichu, Pikachu, Raichu, Plusle, Minun, Pachirisu, Emolga, Togedemaru, Morpeko and Dedenne. While being a rodent and electric type doesn’t bother me on its own, Dedenne looks too much like Pikachu that it puts me right off. While it is cute, that is sadly not enough to save it. Be gone, Dedenne!

Crabrawler

I really like all the different Pokémon based on crustaceans, and at this point we do have a lot of them. Crabrawler is one of those, and it is quite literally a crab that likes to brawl. Its boxing-glove like claws I’m willing to accept, but not that little black eye. Apparently its eyelids are both blue, and as one of them is never fully open, gives it the appearance of a black eye. Luckily, it heals (or rather it opens fully) when it evolves in to Crabominable.

Type: Null

When I first encountered this in the game, I thought it was an in-game error. Another MissingNo. Alas, this is this Pokémon’s actual name. Looking like a bit of a Frankenstein’s Monster of different parts, Type: Null’s story is that it was the result of an experiment gone wrong. While I do feel sympathetic towards Type: Null, I can’t forgive the confusing name and disturbing appearance. When it evolves, its name is much more digestible (Silvally) and it has a much more majestic appearance. I wish it the best in all its future endeavours.

Bruxish

Bruxish is one of those weird water Pokémon I hated straight away. I also really disliked Stunfisk and Luvdisc, but seeing them out in the wild in both the anime and New Pokémon Snap, I actually rather like them. The same can not be said for poor old Bruxish. I dislike its plump, juicy lips and its come-hither eyes. The colouring is very garish; like a child used all the wrong colours in its colouring book. It also doesn’t evolve from or in to anything, which could’ve been a redeeming quality. Back to the drawing board with this one.

The Ultra Beasts

The Ultra Beasts are a group of eleven Pokémon introduced in generation VII. Or rather, they are a group of extraterrestrial Pokémon originating from Ultra Space. In case you’re wondering, they are Nihilego, Buzzwole, Pheromosa, Xurkitree, Celesteela, Kartana, Guzzlord, Poipole, Naganadel, Stakataka and Blacephalon. Extraterrestrial Pokémon originating from Ultra Space is a bit too much for me. Some of their names are very complicated, with lots of Ks, Xs and Zs, and their designs are even more chaotic. Less would definitely have been more when it came to these Pokémon. Poipole does get some Brownie points for evolving in to something (Nagandel), the only Ultra Beasts to be part of an evolutionary line. Let’s get those names simplified, the designs simplified, and bring things a little closer to planet Earth. Also Stakataka really looks like that thing that takes Belle’s dad away in Beauty and the Beast.

Inteleon

Oh I forgot how much I hate this Pokémon. I would never choose Sobble based solely on how it will eventually look. Inteleon is named after intelligence + chameleon, which makes sense, since the design is supposed to look like James Bond I guess? A James Bond Pokémon? Is that where we’re at? I dislike its smarmy face, its tuxedo-esque belly, and the way it’s holding its hand like a gun. It looks like it’s waiting in an underground car park for a drop from an informant. Or it’s waiting to seduce me in a bar and extract my secrets. That’s not what I want in my Pokémon, no sir. It now has a Gigantamax evolution which is just so weird I can’t even.

Orbeetle

This might be very specific to me, but when I was playing Shield, I deliberately didn’t search what Pokémon were in the game so it would be a nice surprise to see them in the wild and genuinely learn about them from my Pokédex. Do you remember in the anime when Ash would see a Pokémon and get his Pokédex out and as viewers we lamented ‘ugh yes I know this already, come on Ash!’? I wanted to experience Galar just like Ash Ketchum. To that end, when I caught a Blipbug I was really excited for it to evolve, as I’m very fond of bug Pokémon that go through the cocoon phase and come out a beautiful butterfly (or Beautifly). I worked hard, loving it unconditionally as it became Dottler. Then the time came for it to evolve again, and this popped out. I was so very disappointed. I don’t know what I was expecting exactly, just not this.

Grimmsnarl

I dislike Grimmsnarl and the two that came before it — Impidimp and Morgrem. I get what it’s supposed to be, it’s just so very gross to look at, and I certainly don’t like its hair or upturned snout one bit. It also really looks like the monsters from The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. Maybe some save files got mixed up somewhere.

Eiscue

And finally, we have Eiscue. I might hate the design of this Pokémon the most. Eiscue is essentially a penguin with a block of ice on its head with a penguin’s face carved in it. See, even typing that filled me with rage. The block of ice does come in handy in battle; it acts as a shield for the first attack it is hit with. After the ice cube breaks, you see its real face, a beautifully formed, super-cute penguin! Just kidding. Underneath this block of ice is another block of ice, only this time it is carved in to the shape of a penguin’s head, with an antennae and blank, dead eyes. Also its name is just ‘ice cube’ said incorrectly which really grinds my gears.

So there we have it! A list of all the Pokémon I hate. You never know, maybe one day I’ll learn to love Eiscue’s ice sculpture head, find Cubchoo’s dribbling mucus endearing, or gaze upon Probopass’ moustache with awe. Only time will tell.

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